Most of the time when the aesthetics in a home change, it’s because one half of a couple wanted it. If you’re reading this, that person is most likely you. When one person cares more, it can feel like a game of tug o’ war as you fight for every little decorating move that happens in your home. Maybe you’re tired of the tension around this topic.
Or maybe your spouse grew an opinion on things seemingly overnight, and it’s totally messing with your plans.
You made the very logical assumption that because your spouse showed ZERO interest in your excitement over the latest issue of Domino magazine or didn’t care when a Home Goods opened up nearby that the world of decorating was dead to him.
Obviously, all decor decisions should be made by you.
So you take the initiative, make plans, pick some paint samples, and lug home your goodies. But out of the clear blue, your spouse suddenly has some opinions.
Like out of thin air.
Opinions that you never even knew existed until this very moment. (And you wish had stayed underground because they threaten your glorious plans.)
“When did you start to care? You NEVER care about anything I say about the house until now?! Seriously, man. Give me break. Why are you trying to ruin things? You don’t even know how much better this will look. Why would you question me on this? Who ARE you?!?”
Dramatic? Yaaaaas. But I’ve been that person spouting those kinds of things and have heard from plenty of clients after the fact who have too. You are not alone. We have all morphed into crazy ladies when we feel our decorating dreams are being challenged.
We have all morphed into unhinged ladies when we feel our
decorating dreams are being challenged.
After years of feeling like I was going to battle every time I brought a decorating decision to my husband, I’ve learned a few things and changed my ways.
*Side note: You may be a “he” reading this in hopes to get a “she” on board to decorate. Or you may be a “he with a he” or a “she with a she”. Not meaning to stereotype but rather to simplify, for the purpose of this post I’ll use my first person experience of a “she” trying to convince a “he”.
THE BLATANT DESIGN DECISION I MADE
Here’s a cautionary tale of a decision I made that my husband STILL brings up with joking resentment 7 years later…The den in our last home was a nice big room with wood lined walls. (Not wood paneling, actual wood planks.) The natural oak wood felt warm and rustic like a lake house lodge, but I was craving light and airy like a New England beach house.
The wood walls had to go. I hatched my plan. It was going to be major.
I announced to my husband that I wanted to paint the wood soft white. Immediately he balked at the idea, and rallied his friends-who were over watching a game- to side with him. (Mistake #1…never tell a group of guys your design idea. The will rain on your parade faster than a flash flood in Florida.)
Stu and I talked about my paint plans for a couple weeks but never came to a compromise. So I did the only thing I could in that situation…I waited until he was out of town for a business trip and then painted the room white anyway. Would have helped if I had a way to reach the top of the walls. You can check some narrow scaffold tower rental, to help in decorating the elevated areas of your home.
I waited until he went out of town for a business trip and
then painted the room white anyway.
I mean sure, I felt guilty but I was driven by a force that was hard to control. Three gallons of Benjamin Moore “White Dove” was the only thing that could make my world right in that moment.
When Stu came home from his trip, I pretended that I had no idea this was a totally deceitful act of decorating. He let out a few choice words, didn’t speak for about 5 minutes, but was good natured enough not be truly irate. (As he probably should have been.) The next day he agreed it looked nice, but he wasn’t thrilled with what I did.
AND I have never lived it down.
Honestly, if I could go back I would have handled the situation totally differently. Do I think the walls still needed to be white? Of course. But I could have done more to share my vision for the space beforehand rather than taking the sneakily aggressive route.
1. Begin with questioning.
Ok…so this is a hard one for me. Because I care more, sometimes I feel I have the right to dictate every little thing that happens in our space. (“It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than get permission” is a humorously brilliant motto in some circumstances, but not when it comes decorating your joint living space.)
Rather than announcing your grand plans, start by questioning. “How do you feel about our living room? What would you think about….? What would you change in this room if we could?” These are much better ways to ease into a conversation and get an understanding of where your spouse is coming from.
2. Communicate visually.
Words like “mid-century modern” and “bright and airy bohemian” don’t mean a lot to people who aren’t into design. After questioning, one of the best things you can do to help convey your vision is to shut up. Literally. Find several pictures that can do the talking for you. Make intentional comments on aspects of those images that you like. Use these to communicate with your spouse instead of trying to word vomit him into being excited about your ideas. Even if he doesn’t jump on board 100% with your vision right away, you’ll be able to have a much more productive conversation based on concrete images rather than ambiguous words.
3. Keep it simple.
Don’t overwhelm your spouse with all the nitty gritty of your plans. He likely won’t understand, and it could put him on the defensive. He doesn’t need to hear about the 15 different throw pillow combinations for the sofa, and he won’t want to see the 247 pictures of white kitchens you pinned on Pinterest. Spare him the details.
Once you’ve arrived at your top picks, then share with him. Be clear that you’ve already done a lot of research and you feel these are the best options. And here’s a big one…Don’t ask for an opinion if what you’re really wanting is someone to sign off on a decision you’ve already made. It will just make him feel like he isn’t’ heard when you don’t listen to his opinion.
Don’t ask for an opinion if what you’re really wanting is
someone to sign off on a decision you’ve already made.
4. Cut the complaining
When you’re discouraged about the way your home looks, it’s natural to share that dissatisfaction with your spouse. I get it. Just be very careful that it doesn’t turn into incessant complaining. Your spouse probably works very hard to help pay the mortgage, and hearing repeated negative thoughts about your house might translate into him thinking that you are ungrateful for what you do share together.
Instead, focus on identifying the problems that can be solved. Rather than making blanket statements about how much you don’t like your house/room right now, pick one area that you know can be addressed. For example, you could bring up how cluttered your living room feels and note that if you had some new shelving it might help organize items in the space. Problem & solution. This usually leads to better outcomes than sweeping statements of disdain.
5. Be careful with compromise.
Huh? Yes. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but if you both compromise too much then you’ll end up with a room neither of you loves. Instead look for the separate “wins” that can work together. Decide what the biggest priority is for each of you in the room, and try to make decisions with that in mind. If the most important thing to him is a comfortable sofa, then maybe he makes the final call on that decision but you get to decide the color scheme for the room.
Tell your spouse how the state of your space is affecting you. Then paint a picture of how having all intentionally designed home will affect both of your lives for the better. Will you be able to entertain more? With the house stay cleaner because you’ve addressed organization issues? Would you be able to repurpose a room to better serve your family? Would you add value to your home with a renovation or even small update? Let him know it’s more than just more “pretty stuff”.
7. Dream together.
Spend some time imagining your dream home together. Don’t set parameters. Just let the conversation live in the fantasy realm for a little while. Pretend that money is no option. What would your dream house look like? Where would it be located? What kinds of things would have? How would it make you feel? What’s on your “wish list”? When you start dreaming aloud together, you may find that you have more common end-goals for your home than you thought. Bonus? It doesn’t cost you anything to dream.
WHEN HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO ITA few times I’ve helped a client create a plan for a room that she loved. But when she took it to her husband, he didn’t react the same way she did. She felt badly that he didn’t love it like she did, so she’d start to doubt her choices and wonder if we should change the plan. (In a couple cases we did, but most times the plan was not the problem.) If decorating is not as big a priority for your spouse as it is for you, then he will NEVER have that over-the-top excited reaction.
Here’s the deal…it means more to you. It just does. You probably imagined your first home and collected decor magazines long before you ever moved out of that first crappy apartment. Was he doing the same? Of course not.
He’s not going to spend hours agonizing over the perfect shade of “griege” paint or swoon over those gorgeous chairs you found online. (In the same way you may appreciate a new grill or flat-screen TV, but you probably don’t have the same level of interest in them as he does. It’s just not your thing.)
You can’t expect his enthusiasm to match yours. For you,
nesting has been hard-wired and something you’ve invested
in emotionally for years.
You can’t expect his enthusiasm for a cohesive home to match yours. For you, nesting has been hard-wired and something you’ve invested in emotionally for years. While he may enjoy a nice home, he hasn’t been dreaming about since childhood like you have.
It’s ok if you love it more than him.
Is he fine with the plan? Does the budget work? Do YOU love it?
Then go forth and decorate with gusto, my friend.
*And if you realize that depending on your spouse to advise you on decorating decisions is not happening, we should chat. (It’s kinda’ my thing.) Check out Decor Coaching. It’s husband approved:)
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I thought I was alone in the “Why the heck does he even care?? He’s a DUDE!” camp. I don’t tell him how to arrange the garage…isn’t the interior of the house mostly my decorative domain?? Luckily my husband ultimately has let me do whatever I want, but we’ve had many disagreements over paint and decor. Thank you for these tips in navigating this unexpected quirk in marriage.
Yes, sister…You most certainly are in good company. I think pre-marital counselors need to bring up decorating as a potential landmine in a relationship. Lol.
I can’t agree more with this post Heather! My husband and I just bought our first home and it’s been an exciting challenge to decorate (I’m slowly documenting the process on my blog Thelittlebitsblog.com). I love a mix of eclectic, feminine and light/airy while he prefers lots of dark wood and visually heavier pieces. Our home is on the smaller side so my design-driven mind is always on the “make it feel and look bigger” plan. He’s a good sport overall though, if I’ve really set my heart on something he’ll agree to it. I do agree with you that it’s better to ask or discuss beforehand. I showed him a paint swatch for our guest room and he agreed but wasn’t too pleased when I was done painting and the room was lavender. I’ve added a vintage dark wooden dresser to balance the soft feminine paint. I would LOVE to see or hear any tips you have to balance a he/she room cohesively. Thanks for the awesome post!
Congrats on your new home, Viktoria:) I think that’s a great lens to approach your design decisions…Most people struggle to realize that “making it look bigger” and brighter has such a huge impact on small spaces. You know, balancing the masculine and feminine vibes in a space is something I deal with a lot in client projects. That’s a great idea to blog about…I’ll start making notes:) Thanks for stopping by today, and all my best on your home projects.
Oh goodness! This is right up my alley, now my other half doesn’t care too much on what I do. He really gives me full rein ( and I am super happy/appreciative about that) but there have been times he wasn’t excited, he didn’t like what I bought, I used his opinion and ended up not liking it or buying something that won’t totally work etc.! I’ve learned to let him have his space and decorate it on his own, ask his opinion on which one (and kind of make the final decision) and I always let him know on decor decisions. I’ve redecorated and moved things in the past and I’ve paid for it! (just like you) so I defiantly need to work on even just getting him in the know and he’ll appreciate it (I kind of get excited and tend to want to get it done right away).
Great topic and great advice!!!
Lauren | Lovely Decor
xx
I totally understand about wanting to move quickly on ideas too, Lauren! It’s a fine line we walk to get our ideas across but also let them have a say, huh? Thanks for stopping by today. Thoughtful response as always:) xo
LOL Heather – loved this one. Young or older, there is a ‘thing’ men have about painting wood. It’s deeply ingrained, it’s primal, it’s like you are threatening ‘maleness’. Whether it’s old trim in a dark home, an antique dresser, or wood-plank walls, watch out when you want to paint wood!
YESSS! Exactly! Why do they identify with the dark, natural wood tones so much and act as if it’s an act against nature to paint it? I think you are totally right, Natasha. It’s primal. LOL. Thanks for sharing your two cents today:)
Ha ha such a great post Heather! Usually when my husband doesnt like something he say’s ‘I don’t care for it’. And I go, ‘ But you don’t hate it? . If you don’t hate it, it stays. If you do, don’t look directly at it’. Not a good approach I know lol. Great advice! I might need to print this out 🙂
Haha! I used that approach for our first couple years of marriage, and it didn’t go down so well. Lol. Hey, if he’s a good sport you got a good thing going:) Thanks for stopping by, Vin.
Great post! Lucky, my boyfriend and I have very similar taste, and hardly ever disagree about how to decorate. He also knows how passionate I am about it, and pretty much lets me do my thaaang! If he’s ever hesitant about an idea I have, I usually show him examples on Pinterest, and that seems to win him over! 🙂
You ARE lucky then, Jamie! Good for you on using visuals:) (What would we do without Pinterest, huh?) xo
Thank you for this, Heather! In order to avoid arguing with my spouse about decorating, I just don’t do anything, and remain unhappy with how things look. I know I should do better! This article will help me create a dialogue where we can work together. Please add Marriage Counselor to your title!
Thanks, Lisa! Sometimes keeping the peace wins, but I hope you can start new conversations with your hubs about decorating. You deserve to have a space that makes you happy. (And keeps you happily married:) Thanks for stopping by today.
I can relate to all of this. (I’m in the he-she combo) and she finally just gave up!!! Is that a win?! Although it sometimes feels like a win its probably not. Although I pretty much have free reign in the decor department, it doesn’t make me happy if she doesn’t like something. So I do ask for my wife’s opinion on major purchases or changes; but like you said: I give her the final options to think about because I don’t want to overwhelm her since decorating is not really her “thing” anyways. All in all, she trusts me, and I want her to be happy so it works! Great read my friend and like always very good advice!
Hah! You crack me up, Oscar. I think her waving of “the white flag of decor surrender” is a win, right? Lol. No, I get it. Sounds like you found the balance and have her blessing:)
Great tips- I will definitely be using them as my husband has strong feelings about rearranging and decorating our home lol! I like to use the line: “It’ll make me happy” and sometimes that’ll work. But really he’s happiest when things stay the same so it can be tricky when I want to change things up 🙂
I like the “It will make me happy” line!- Hah! Thanks for stopping by, Mali:)
I agree – arguing with your spouse about decorating will get you nowhere! I’ve worked with many families and you would be surprised at how often the husband cares more about the decor than the wife!
I am lucky that my husband cares how our house looks, but he totally defers to me on decorating. Fortunately he’s really handy and can execute all of my ideas!!!!
Thank your for this post! Housework was never a bone of contention here at home, but I have always struggled to get my spouse to join me in my hobbies. And my favorite hobby is decorating! I really loved the post and the blog as a whole. You are awesome!
I enjoyed reading this! My husband is very adaptable, and is usually OK with whatever I want to do. I often go back and forth in my head between being happy that I pretty much have carte blanche, and being sad that he’s not more into it (or scared that I’ll make the wrong decision, and we’ll actually both hate it). I like to get his opinion, but he often just really does not care. It hurts my feelings for him to SAY he doesn’t care, so what’s he to do? We got some great advice at a marriage conference by Gary Chapman. He said if your wife asks you to choose between three tile samples, and they all look the same to you (or you’re just indifferent), then pick one at random, and say, “This one looks nice, but which one do you like the best?” 🙂
Hah! I think that’s GREAT advice…that could work for a multitude of situations. I’ll have to write that on a notecard and pass to my hubs to “practice”:)
I thought I was alone in this! My husband fights me on every design recommendation I make in our home and it drives me nuts. Truthfully I wish he traveled for work so I could sneakily live out these decor dreams! We’ve fought so many times about our 90’s oak cabinets that I’d like to either paint or stain (I’ve offered to have them done professionally and pay for it out of my pocket!) but it’s out of the question. What is this preconceived notion that wood cannot be painted?!
Love the blog by the way! Your tips on fiddle leaf figs was a real life-saver!
Definitely not alone, Ang. There could be a support group for wives like us-and I’m sure we’d have to have several chapters! Thanks for stopping by and saying “hello”. So glad you’ve found some my posts helpful:)
Awesome blog, Very useful 😉
it really helps me to do my own stuff, great share!
What an awesome post! I totally thought I was the only wife who had a husband that cared about different styling related things. I litereally told him once “But why do you care? I thought guys didn’t care about that kind of stuff.” Yikes. Naive and a bit ignorant of me, but I honestly thought that because you hardly hear anything from men about that. We’ve also fought over our oak cabinets – I want to paint them white because I know it would transform our entire house. He finally relented though, he admitted once when we had a friend over who builds cabinets that he thinks painting them would look nice. I was shocked, and so thrilled.